Stop Arguing About Money! Get Your Finances Under Control and Reach Your Goals, Together

When my (now) husband and I decided to move in together and start the process of blending our families, we didn’t have any rose-colored glasses on (well, maybe slightly rose-tinted glasses 😎). 

We knew that being in a stepfamily was not for the faint of heart and that stepfamilies face unique challenges that can put serious strain on the relationship. We knew that the divorce rate for marriages involving children is a lot higher than that of overall marriages. We were really determined to beat these odds! 

So, being one of those annoyingly organized, plan-for-and-research-everything types of people, I did what I always do in these situations: research, research, and more research. I joined ALL of the Facebook groups, did the online quizzes, and read the books. We talked about our parenting styles and how we would manage our schedules (enter various overlaying Google Calendars). 

Everything was under control, or so we thought. 

Understatement of the Year: Blended Family Finances Complicated

As we would soon find out, we really didn’t think through the financial side of blending our families. 

Here are some questions and situations that came up for us:

How do we structure our finances? Do we keep our own personal accounts? Do we create a joint account?

What’s fair when one partner is receiving child support and the other partner is paying child support? 

How do we deal with individual debt brought into the marriage? 

How do we save for trips or for that new sofa we'd really like to get? (update: we got the sofa!)

How do we split the bills? What's fair when one person makes more than the other?

How do we navigate different spending habits when it comes to our kids?

Do we really need to take the kids to Dairy Queen every Friday night? 🍦 What if one partner wants to spend that money and the other doesn't? (Dear readers - we have not yet resolved this one!)

What about estate planning? 

You get the idea. It was not simple. 

I know that we weren’t alone. In fact, money is often a source of arguments and tension in stepfamilies. This can lead to the big “R word” - resentment, which can poison a relationship by eroding trust and causing emotional distance.

It IS Possible to Create a Good Money Management System for your Blend

Now, several years into our blend, we have a system in place that feels equitable to both of us, we don’t argue about money, and we are saving money for shared goals, like our home’s heat pumps that are getting up there in age 💲💲 .

So what did we do right? 

First, we figured out a way to structure our finances that works for us. There is no “right way” to do this. We decided to go with a his/hers/ours structure. We have our own personal accounts that our paychecks are deposited into and we make regular transfers into a shared account for expenses like the mortgage, groceries, and bills. We decided that this would work best given that we each have our own kids and that differences in kid-related spending and responsibilities may lead to some resentment down the road. 

Second, we became budgeters. This is not the same as having some static Excel file that you look at every few months. We learned how to actively budget our dollars, using You Need a Budget (YNAB), my favorite zero-based budgeting app. A budget is simply a plan for your money and, just like the name of the company says, everyone, regardless of income or financial situation, needs a budget. We’re in the app almost every day (for just a few minutes) checking to see if a purchase is within our budget and, when life happens (and it will happen), making adjustments on the fly. YNAB is a fantastic tool to help you get out of debt, save for your true expenses (those expenses that occur infrequently like car repairs or insurance), and reach your longer term financial goals. 

Third, we got good at talking about money. This took a little practice but there is no longer any awkwardness involved. We talk about the little things, like the fact that we just went over the grocery budget again (because hello, groceries these days) and where that money will come from in the budget to cover the over-spending (usually the dog’s category, sorry Bella). We also talk about the big things, like our savings goals and retirement plans. It’s important to dream big! 

Managing finances in a blended family can be complicated and stressful. However, with good communication and a solid money management system in place, which feels equitable to both partners, it is possible to reach your financial goals, together.

If you need a little guidance in determining the right financial structure for your stepfamily, you are invited to download Blended Budgets? Three Ways that Stepfamilies can Structure their Finances to Reduce Stress and Foster Cooperation. You can get your FREE guide right here.