How can I Budget with a Reluctant Partner?

If your partner does not want to actively budget with you, you are definitely not alone! 

Budgeting as a couple can sometimes feel like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, especially when one partner is less enthusiastic about managing money. Since starting as a money coach, I've worked with numerous couples facing this common challenge. Actually, in my experience, it's a rare occurrence to find partners who are perfectly aligned when it comes to budgeting. The scenarios I’ve seen have ranged from a slight disconnect or difference in enthusiasm about budgeting (a lack of enthusiasm about budgeting? … cannot relate 🤓) to one partner essentially playing the role of the family bookkeeper and the other partner taking a completely hands off approach. 

In this post, I’m going to go over a few different approaches that you could take to budgeting with a reluctant partner, and the pros and cons of each. These approaches mostly pertain to couples where finances are fully combined or where there are some shared finances between the two - in other words, where there is the potential to budget together as a couple and it just isn’t happening, for whatever reason. 

Approach 1: The Family Bookkeeper

In this approach, one partner takes on the role of the family bookkeeper, managing the budget (using zero-based budgeting, of course) while keeping the other partner informed about the budget as needed (for example, how much money is left in a particular spending category, like groceries). 

Pros: This setup can work well when finances are fully combined and where one partner willingly takes on the role as the family bookkeeper (maybe they are a Budget Nerd and just love to do it!). It works particularly well when one partner takes on other household responsibilities in return, balancing the workload.

Cons: While it might help with practical aspects, this approach can create a dynamic where one partner feels more in control (or is more in control) of the couples’ shared finances. Also, there isn’t really a sense of teamwork being developed with this approach. 

Approach 2: Regular Check-Ins

Another approach involves one partner handling the day-to-day budgeting tasks (just like the family bookkeeper above) and both partners having regular budgeting meetings (“budgeting meeting” sounds really boring, call it something else). You could make it at the same time each week. Share a glass of wine and chat about the budget every Friday or have your check in on Saturday mornings with some delicious coffee - whatever floats your boat ☕️  🍷.

These meetings can serve as touchpoints for reviewing spending, making adjustments to the budget, and discussing long-term goals. It strikes a balance between active participation and delegation (which the first approach I described might start to feel like after a while). 

Ideally, the non budgeting partner would take on a very small role in the budgeting too. For example, if they are YNABers, he or she could install the YNAB widget on their phone and keep an eye on the two or three key categories (groceries, personal spending etc..). This small level of interaction with the shared budget would go a long way.

Pros: Regular check-ins foster a sense of partnership and shared responsibility. This approach encourages collaborative goal-setting and decision-making.

Cons: Despite being more inclusive, it might still feel like the partner who is engaged in the budget more actively has more control over the couple’s money. 

Approach 3: Show Me the Money

Sometimes, leading by example is the best way to inspire change. 

When I first started to use YNAB, and for about a year, I was using it for my own finances only. Tyler and I had a shared bank account and a spreadsheet with a basic “budget”, but there was definitely not any kind of active zero-based budgeting happening when it came to our shared finances. In other words, we had done some rough math with regards to how much money we would each put into the shared account every month but we weren’t actively managing our spending or saving for any shared goals.

Over a period of time, and without too much prompting on my part, Tyler began to see just how well zero-based budgeting was working for me. I had jumped off of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle, was saving for the “true” expenses throughout the year, and was working towards a few longer term goals. Proof was in the pudding, as they say. When I suggested that we try YNAB for our shared expenses, he was ready to go and we haven’t looked back since. 

Pros: This approach works well for couples with a combination of separate and shared expenses. One partner can just budget for their own expenses and demonstrate its value over the long term to their partner. It offers the opportunity for the reluctant partner to witness the transformational power of budgeting.

Cons: While it can be persuasive, this approach might not work for individuals who are inherently resistant to budgeting or who have deeply ingrained beliefs about money management (more about all of this in a future post!).

Conclusion: Finding Common Ground

Every couple is different but in the realm of partnership, compromise and understanding are essential. It's crucial to have open conversations about financial goals, fears, and aspirations. Flexibility is key; what works for one couple might not work for another.

Remember that each partner brings unique strengths to the table, and by embracing those strengths, you can create a money management system that works for your partnership.

Don’t miss another new post! Subscribe to my newsletter where you'll receive access to discounts off of our money coaching programs, money management tips, personal updates (including very cute Bella the Beagle content), and more!